Sharing the Journey

October 2004

Where did the summer go? It seems I closed my eyes and when they opened, the leaves were gold and falling from the trees. Each season seems to roll right into the next without giving us a chance to enjoy right where we are. The past months have been a time of waiting on so many things. I am starting to feel right at home with the silence. Mostly I just desperately desire to hear direction and revelation from God. Even when He whispers, it is a great gift and not to be taken for granted.

I spent the summer writing some new music and I’m hoping to start another project this winter. I am eager for these songs to convey what has been in my heart over the past year and am praying for clear direction on how this music needs to relate to people. One thing I am sure of is that this next collection of songs is going to be a ministry tool for those in need of physical and emotional healing.

In my quest to define my music, I have spent many hours seeking God on what He wants to do with this gift. There are a thousand avenues a musician can travel to use the gift God has given him. I went through a dry season of feeling like “what is really the point”. During that time, the Lord reminded me of David, his psalmist heart and how it was used to bring comfort to Saul. I started thinking of the fact that when David went in to play and sing for Saul, it was just the two of them and how his only concern was pouring out musical oil over Saul’s spiritual wounds. In other words, I don’t think in those moments David was wondering whether or not Saul knew someone over in Nashville that might get him a great gig or a lucrative record deal. Likewise, I doubt that Saul was too concerned with any flat notes David hit. They were looking for something deeper.

There are so many unbelievable musicians, singers and songwriter’s out there doing all kinds of different things with their music. But I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that God has called me to sing a certain kind of song and I have to stay true to that musical journey. After every song I write, I always feel that same sense of “how will this song affect someone’s heart” and whether it is a song that helps people realize they are not alone in their struggles or whether it really does heal something in them, my ultimate goal is for people to feel touched and comforted by the music they hear.

I have spent the past few years wrapping my arms around people in pain and longing for something to give them that might calm them through their difficult days and nights. Music seems to be a way for me to express my own hurts and healings and I want to sing that to even just one person who needs to hear that they have not been forgotten by God.

Please keep this ministry in your prayers as we let our desire be known; that the music we create will soothe weary souls and that the ministry we give will be embedded in love. I pray every song I write and record will reveal that.

February 2004

I am in awe and wonder as I sit here thinking about the presence of God and how powerful those moments are when we experience it. After spending three days at the Facedown Songwriter’s Conference at Northpoint Church, I find myself a bumbling idiot when it comes to putting into words how those three nights of worship felt. Matt Redman led us to a place of intimacy with God with his beautiful notes, lyrics and his humble, open heart. It seemed everyone there was seeking a closer look at Jesus and He chose to join us, which brought us all facedown.

As a songwriter, I learned how to look at things a bit differently than I ever had before. For me personally, it was a time of searching my motives, my reasons and my ultimate purpose for writing and recording music. It came down to asking myself whether or not I had a pure heart in the thing. Just finishing the No Judgments CD, there were a multitude of thoughts weaving through my head and I was touched by the statement that Matt made when he said, “We can manufacture CD’s but we can never manufacture true worship”. It confirmed right then and there that for me, writing songs would always have to be about ministry and being able to offer some measure of comfort to those who listen, not to serve as a means for record sales. It was good to be reminded that in the midst of all of our music endeavors, our greatest audience will always be God.

January 2004

It is almost the end of the month of another new year. My pastor gave an amazing sermon last Sunday that reminded me once again how time just keeps moving; the sun sets, the sun rises, it sets, it rises. All of my efforts to force the hands of time to wait until I catch up seem futile. Life marches on, whether I want it to or not.

The thought crossed my mind today how it feels like God has put a mirror at every angle around my heart. I sense Him looking deeply into my life - into my heart - and asking me to look with Him. It is a painful process but I'm sure it's for my own good. On the other hand, so many things are working together to heal various wounds and I am grateful for that.

I was invited to sing tomorrow night with Kip Rogers at a Benefit Concert for the Blake Washington Scholarship Fund. It will be a time of reflection and pondering. I am honored to be a part of this important night and I always enjoy hearing Kip on the guitar and listening to his unique voice. Many of our friends will be there so it will feel like home. I pray the evening will be a comfort to the Washington family.

I just got back from worship team practice and it always leaves me feeling happy and grateful as I head home with those powerful worship songs floating around in my head. This journal allows me an opportunity to publicly thank my music pastor and everyone on the worship team for making such a difference in my life, in ways you don't know or may ever get to see. Sharing this music journey with all of you is something I needed in my life and God knew it. I still have to pinch myself to believe that I am a part of such a talented, amazing group of people. Thank you.

Speaking of thanks, I have to put someone else in the limelight for a minute. Just the fact that you can log onto this website and take a peek into my life is all because of my webmaster, and dear friend, Stan. He has spent countless hours laboring on my behalf and considers the sharing of our friendship payment enough, which is just one more example of his giving heart. He listens to my thoughts and offers his perspective and thanks to him, I finally know how to cut and paste and put an icon on my desktop. Thank you, Stan, for your kindness and friendship. They both mean the world to me.

Well, I better get some sleep so I can sing tomorrow night without yawning in the middle of a song or am discovered snoring in a corner between sets.

November 2003

It's Thanksgiving Day and quiet. After an afternoon of voices and laughter competing against the sound of clanging dishes, the quiet is nice. In the next few days, I will be opening my door to the UPS driver delivering my cardboard boxes full of "No Judgments" CD's. I am excited and glad I will finally be holding in my hands three years of hard work.

The main thing that I love about this project is that I was given an opportunity to share a song that expresses something special for my father. When I was growing up, I had childish ideas about how parents should behave and act, what they should give and what manner in which they should love. It took being a parent myself to realize that no one does it perfectly and getting through a day without tangling things up in one area or another is nothing short of a miracle. After stepping back and re-evaluating things, I realized that my parents were just doing the best they could, in their own way, just like I'm trying to do with my kids. When I wrote the song for my Dad on the back of his motorcycle, it was all about my heart changing, not his. I am glad I was receptive to it because the reward has been finding a closer and deeper relationship with my Dad.

As this project comes to an end, I remind myself that twelve more songs have been added to the long list of songs ever written. Whether they change anyone's point of view or soften anyone's heart is something I may never know. But one thing these songs offered me was help in laying down some judgments that had been hanging around way too long in my life. It's my own personal breakthrough but maybe this music will provide some comfort for others who are struggling to sort out this issue in their own life.

March 2003

Wow. Where did all the time go? When I think back to my last entry, I realize how much I have changed and how much my life has changed. Time has a way of doing that. My greatest hurdle this past year was losing my grandfather to cancer a few months ago. He was the first of my four grandparents to die and that took some serious getting used to. I'm still not used to it but at least I don't cry every time I think of his wonderful bald head and how it felt to plant a kiss on it. My grandma makes me the saddest, seeing her lonliness. She looks at his picture all the time and remembers things that made life with him so special. I miss him.

The project took longer due to various things. But I read something my producer wrote once. He said, "I ask that your work be honorable and that we could create something in which we will both be proud. Let's forget about the clock and meeting our deadlines and let's get it right and please God". That pretty much sums up our freedom to just take our time and let this project happen at God's pace, not our own. I think all the extra time was worth it. I'm really happy with how the songs sound and can't wait for you to hear it. We still have to get it mastered and duplicated. But there's a light at the end of that oh-so-long tunnel.

On a personal level, God just keep chipping away at this life of mine, making it all He wants it to be. I don't usually like it but it seems to fit me after I get used to it. I am growing in ways I never dreamed possible musically. I have met so many incredible musicians in the past month. I know those people are going to be a part of something wonderful God is doing in my life.

I could never find words to tell you how much your e-mails mean to me. They make me laugh, make me cry and I never get tired of hearing your heart.
Thank you for all that you say to make me better.

June 2002

Last week, I wrote a song that I really love and am still in awe over the fact that Frank found a way to squeeze it onto the project at such a late date. Not to mention being willing to do it. He blesses me so many times. There was just something about this song that seemed like it belonged on "No Judgments" and once we recorded the scratch track, I felt like the project was complete. We still have so much work to do but there is a sense of "we're almost there"!

The amazing thing to me is that even though I am in the midst of wrapping up this project, my mind is crammed full of new songs and thoughts that keep me up until the wee hours of the night. I am humbled by the fact that through insignificant me, God is accomplishing musical miracles with my few loaves of bread. It blows my mind all the time and I never take for granted the blessing I have to be able to get the songs I hear in my head into hearing condition for other people.

School's out and swimming is in. As I lay by the pool listening to my kids squeal while they cannonball off the high dive, I realize that no matter how difficult and hectic and crazy life can get, there is always a lounge chair out there somewhere waiting to be occupied and a God who is waiting for us to spend time with Him. I am enjoying these days of rest that God has given me to hear from Him and recharge. It is so easy to clutter up our day and our mind and then wonder why we haven't heard a single word from God. Sometimes I'm pretty sure He has a swamp to get through just to get to me.

I had the most incredible opportunity to share one of my own songs at a friends wedding this past weekend. They chose the song "The Telling of Your Love" and singing it on such a special occasion was the highest compliment. I told a friend the other day that I am still trying to step into the shoes of "musician". In other words, when they began lighting the unity candle, I was sitting there waiting for someone to get up and start singing "The Wedding Song" and then I remembered that oops....that person was me! This may take some getting use to!

Keep me in your prayers, as I always need them. Thank you again for your letters and e-mails. They give my heart strength. Enjoy your summer, enjoy your lounge chair, enjoy His love.

April 2002

Okay. I have heard your cry. I know that I have been lax in starting this section of the website so please forgive me. My dear friend Stan (who blesses me with Web lessons and keeps everything looking nice) has enjoyed the break but I guess it's time for me to get busy filling you in on the latest happenings.

As most of you know, I am in the final stages of completing the second project which is called "No Judgments". It has been a wonderful ride down the road of notes and lyrics. I have several thoughts to share with you concerning the project but I'll save those for later. For now, let me just say that I am happy with how things are going and can't wait for you to ponder over the songs with me.

I finished a one year counseling class last month that really rocked my world. I realized that no matter how much we are learning or accomplishing in life, there is always so much more to learn. And we will never be as wise or loving as God, which we already know but sometimes seem to forget. I took the class to learn how to help others in a more profound way but ended up overcoming certain obstacles in my own life that have always seemed to get in the way of loving people to the fullest potential.

I am looking forward to school being out for my kids. I don't know about you but I am just about out of ideas for the lunch box. And if I have to help with much more homework, I might as well go back to college and get a degree for myself. We are spending our spring on the bleachers at every baseball field in the city. The kids are having a great time so who can complain. I've become a pro at shelling sunflower seeds with my teeth. It's not the most lady-like thing but it passes the time and keeps me from biting my nails.

Keep me in your prayers as I work on the completion of the music project and get ready to head to Nashville for the mastering. When I get back, I really want to venture out and share this music wherever the Lord desires. For someone like me, that will take a great dose of courage. Not to mention faith.

Thanks for all your e-mails. They encourage me tremendously and show me that everybody makes a difference in somebody's life. Bridges are better than walls.